Change Yourself.

We often don't change because we don't want to. We think we want to, we think "Why can't I be like that?" or "I wish I was like that" or "I wish I could be like that". We think in these ways of wishing and hoping that things will change in us, that we will be a different person, not realizing that we are the only ones who can make that change. We can alter the outside, how people see us, make them think that's the way we are, but it won't be.

Is it that the prospect of change is scary? We will be leaving the familiar, we will be entering into uncharted land and will have an opportunity to fail. This is scary. But I don't think that's the reason. I think we don't want to put in the effort. Changing yourself takes time, patience, and very, very hard work. It takes complete presence in every moment, awareness in every decision, every action. Daily, momentary self-reminders, choices, that this is the person I am. Making decisions based on this person. Acting on those decisions. Being those actions. Identifying with that being.

Instead of all this hard work, all of this effort to be the person we want to be, instead we remove our own beliefs completely and  base our actions on a character, an idol, a shell. We begin to act how we want to appear. But that's not you, that's not a person, it's not life. That is an empty gesture to paint a picture. It is Van Gogh painting his bandaged ear without having actually cut it off. "This is how I would look if I cut of my ear and sent it to my girlfriend in a gesture of love and desperation."  It isn't as meaningful, jolting. It isn't real. Instead we work hard to look like something we are not. How can we be? We don't think that way, we don't feel that way, we don't believe that way. We only act that way- empty movements of constantly covering up the truth that we are too lazy, too self involved to put effort into life. Just adopting and adapting in mindless ways, thinking only of how it will look to others.  And when we get found out, what happens then?

Skip all of that. If you are going to put effort into something, put it into yourself, the real you. Become that person, the person you want to be, not just a shell. If you want to wake up early, set the alarm and when it goes off think "I am the kind of person that gets up at the first alarm." If you want to be healthy, work out. Constantly remind yourself, "I am a person who eats healthy." If that doesn't work, think "I am a person who doesn't eat bad food." If you want to be an honest person, always be aware of this and think to yourself "I am an honest person. I am a person who does not lie." If you start making these rules for yourself, individual guidelines of how a specific person should live, you will start to evolve into the person you want to become. It won't matter how people see you because you have already shaped yourself into that person, the one who doesn't swear, who picks up litter off the street, who meditates and does yoga every day, who tries her best to get up at the first alarm but forgives herself when she's just too tired. BE that person.

 Shells can be beautiful, magnificent even. But they are shells. They are not alive without something in them, without substance. Sure, you can make things, hang them on the wall, have them look pretty, but what else are they good for?

We are nothing but our actions. Fill them with meaning.

Life

Somewhere there is an old lady sitting on a semi crowded bus. She is wearing loose black pants with a red, purple, and green floral pattern that gather at the bottom, with a lavender shirt and a straw hat over wild but endearing wiry salt and pepper hair. Her feet look bulky and large, you can tell they feel that way with each step she takes in her dusty red clogs. There is a red market bag on the floor by her feet full of fresh produce and fish that a man in a crisp black suit with a white shirt, black tie, and shoes that reflect the red bag scrunches his nose at before pulling out his mobile phone and reading his email. She turns her head to look out the window and, past her reflection, she notices her stop is next. With knobby, crooked hands she reaches for the red buzzer to signal the driver seated so far away. The tanned skin around her brown eyes wrinkles as something crosses her mind and makes her smile. She reaches down with those same aged hands for her bag and uses all the effort she has to lift herself off the seat. The man in the suit shifts to let the woman by while still staring at his phone. Standing up, as straight as possible, she is hardly at the man's shoulder. The bus brakes hard as it comes to a stop and sends her forward with a little jolt. Surprisingly, and gently, the man in the suit reaches out and grabs the woman's arm to steady her. The wrinkles are back in her eyes as she offers a warm smile and soft "Thank you" and the man looks up from his phone, long enough for her to see that he has blue eyes that wrinkle too, with a smile and quick nod. She carefully steps down off the bus, red bag in one knobby hand while the other guides her down by grasping at the door. When she reaches the sidewalk, she pauses just for a moment, shifts the weight of her bag, and continues on to the right.

Somewhere there is a little girl with a red bow in her hair. She is sitting in the back seat of a small silver car. Tied to her wrist is a red balloon with white words printed on it reading "Congratulations on your Graduation!" She is fidgeting with her seat belt as the car idles in front of a bright red light. She gives up working on making the seat belt comfortable, and instead looks out the window at a bus leaving its latest stop.

Fear

Holding me back
Silent hands
Clasped around my waist
Waiting for me to resist
Fight, break away.
I never do.
So deep in these clutches
Drowning, deeper, deeper
Spinning in circles
Down, down, always down

Convinced
I can never get out.


Something inside says
Break free. Get out.
I finally fight.

Twisting, turning
The phantom limbs won't give
I reach down to release myself
And find my own hands.

The Inevitable Inevitable.

What is this inevitable that we are delaying? This invisible wall that people have put up for us travelers, wanderers, seekers, explorers. This obstruction that we are apparently pushing back as we move forward, oblivious that we are supposed to stop and change course with it. What is this inevitable thing they have planned for us? If we choose to travel and see places we might never see, meet people we might never meet, learn things we might never learn, what, then, are we delaying? This image of what they think we should be doing, of what they think would make our lives better, more meaningful. Normal. What if this is not our image? Are we still delaying what they have set out for us if we are, instead, choosing what we have set out for ourselves? Maybe we are not ready to stay in one place just yet, for any number of reasons. Maybe we are afraid of our potential, maybe we are afraid of our lack of potential, maybe we have accepted their inevitable but want to reach it in our own time, or we are afraid of people seeing us before we see ourselves, maybe we believe we can do more, we want to do more. Maybe all of these things. Or maybe we're just narcissists pretending we're something when we're really just running away from the people who will realize it, and we're just trying to see that for ourselves. The world is a scary place. Life is a scary thing. It is precious and quick, it is our only shot. Why not defy even yourself and do what you're not even sure you can? This inevitable that they have planned for us is a trap, a safety net. "We know you are going to fail, just jump from the roof into the safety net. No one can fly, it's never been done. Just come down now. The joke is over." This is their inevitable. The only inevitable I know to be completely certain is death. And this is something I'd like to come to on my own terms, in my own time. And if that is what I'm delaying, I think we should all be happy.

One More Saturday Night...

This weekend, I decided to stay here in Ulsan instead of going to Seoul with a bunch of friends. I had no plans, I just felt like relaxing, or not doing anything. I really had no idea what I would even do this weekend. I woke up on Saturday morning a little groggy, and randomly read a blog about looking at people as miracles and exploring the world and thinking about things with the utmost simplicity. It must have struck some kind of chord in my brain, because the next thing I know I'm grabbing my camera, a blanket, my ipod, a book and notebook, tossed it all in a backpack and just headed out the door. I really had no idea where I was going or what I would even do, but I set off. I ended up going to a park about 10 minutes from my apartment, Ulsan Grand Park, and walking around. I went from having no plans and nothing to do to finding a rose festival, a zoo (shabby little zoo, there was an albino peacock and a monkey, but it was just nice to be around animals), and walking about 7 miles to a river near the city. It was really an incredible day, I people watched and thought and wrote and just explored the city that has been my home for the past 9 months. I didn't have a care in the world, just walked... it felt like a slow paced Forrest Gump, I walked so much. But I got to practice taking pictures, I really enjoy it. It was nice to take time out for myself, to be alone and make decisions spur of the moment, not worry about what comes next or making people wait or disappointing anyone. I know that seems drastic, it's just a day, but it was a day free from obligation. Free from expectation. And it ended up exceeding my wildest expectations. I met a man who chisels art in wood, he gave me a tour of his shop and asked me to sit down with him while worked on a piece. I had no where to go, no where to be, so I sat with him for a while. I wandered off at the zoo to a restricted area and found a lone monkey just sitting in his cage, but I was so close. I could have reached out and touched him, I really wanted to, but I know that's insane. I walked down a side street and was hit with a huge market full of older people, a very common thing in Korea, but when you happen upon one by chance, it's such a feeling of community and life. I sat by the river and watched the sunset with two friends, laying on my blanket in the grass talking about life and sharing our experiences. It was such a healthy and happy day. It really makes me think about making changes, small changes. Look at life differently, act, do, see, be. Hopefully when I leave here I will bring that with me.

Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3

I have decided to start writing about little things, things I see or think of or feel like putting down. Might show up in a picture, rant, rave, poem, who knows... If you don't already know, the name of this blog is from Sugar Magnolia- a Grateful Dead song... "We can discover the wonders of nature, Rollin in the rushes down by the riverside" Lately I've been starting to evaluate, or re-evaluate my life, and I want to start looking at life as a culmination of little rushes, small little things that give you a rush- of happiness, anger, excitement, surprise, pride, sorrow. Little moments, with friends, family, alone, that make you feel. Make you feel alive. So, at the risk of being a cheesy mo fo, I'm going to try to start "rolling in the rushes". And writing about them.  And making my family read them. Enjoy!